new born, new life

Hi !

It's awfully long since I've last blogged. I know right, what an epic failure of a blogger I am ! It's like I'm retreating far away from this blogosphere before even stepping into it. But this time around, I'm not entirely governed by my lazy genes. It's the hectic life I'm currently leading now and the sucky line my hostel provides. Well, the latter doesn't count I suppose given that I could have went to the library if I really wanted to blog so badly. Thing is, I don't have much time. I don't suppose you want to read on about me ranting and rambling about how many assignments I have to get done before the deadline is here right ?

Baby Aayden is growing so fast. Notice his chubbiness ? Just look at his small tiny hands ! It's so awesomely cute .. And I just realize, there's some changes sprouting in my life. Well, first is this chubby baby boy arriving in our family, then it's my entirely new life as a university student. And, well, my besties being away from me. They said university is where you make new friends that last for the rest of your life. I don't know if it applies to me too. I miss my friends. Coming here makes me miss them and my family too.

I look forward to going back home despite it's just 30 minutes drive or less away. It's not because I'm a spoiled brat. I don't expect anyone to understand me. I spent most of my time now in university. I don't want to feel like an outcast again among my family. Spending most of my time away makes me so .. outdated about what's happening back home. Because you're away, you're not aware of what's happening at home. Even the tiny little insignificant details that I missed, will miss or might miss makes me feel so .. detached from home. It's part of the insecurity ? Thank god it's UPM I got into. I'd die of depression if I get any further I guess. Such a child ain't I ?

Life begins at the end of our comfort zone. I guess I'm pretty much still in my comfort zone. Just half a step out of it. But this whole university thing, it turns your perspective around. You no longer have teachers babysitting you. I'm still trying to get used to all this craps. And just like any other newbies in university, 24 hours a day is simply just not enough.

By the way, I think I'll have to pick up this blogging thing again as soon as possible. I want to get into Nuffnang after I graduated ! Haha, which mean, I have to run an awesome blog.

Need to get going. Till then.

Mich

I'm not okay.

How very often when you need to put up a face and let the world thinks that you're okay. Or maybe even when you're not .. make the world thinks that you're gonna be okay ..

Sometimes in life, you'd realize that you have no rights in certain things just because .. you put up a good show. It's like a cycle, people thinks that you're okay and so, you put a smile on that reluctant face of yours. People see you smiling, joke around and laugh jovially, they think you're okay. It goes on and on and on. You wanted to vent your frustrations, your confusions, your anger and your sadness .. you want to talk about it. But .. you don't know where to start from. And you say you're okay.

Saying okay is much easier than telling how you're really feeling. Okay, one word, two syllabus. Explaining your feelings, spilling your thoughts ? That is going through certain feelings again. It's okay if it's something happy. Who would mind feeling that euphoria more than just once ? If it's the opposite ? Triggers are everywhere, you don't need to relive that moment by spilling it out. Every simple thing can throw you back in time to go through some unwanted feelings again.

Some words, some song, some action .. and in my case, imaginary perfume smell. Until you realize you're here and now, it's too late to stop those memories come washing down at you. I'm not insomniac, but I'm prone to bad dreams. I'd go to sleep hoping when I wake up, it's a brand new morning, not the middle of the night with the remnants of a bad dream haunting me.

Since most if not all these feelings are .. expressed vaguely here, so yeah .. I don't have to say I'm okay here. At least, not here.

I remember someone said ; What you fail to let go of is not the feelings, it's those memories that you fear the future won't bring you anymore.

Life is an endless cycle, what goes around comes around. It's not gonna end. Maybe it's not about escaping the endless cycle but seeing life as a merry-go-round instead of a cycle of misery.

Like carousels in merry-go-rounds, there's always up and downs in life. Going around with the ups and downs is always better than stopping, frozen in time.

11.36 p.m.

Love,

Michelle.

Already gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone.                                                                                                                                                                                                      -Already gone, Kelly Clarkson

Pleuvoir

i close my eyes,
listening to the pouring rain.

i close my eyes,
smelling the moisten earth.

i close my eyes,
counting to the rhythm of the distant thunder.

it's raining,
time slows down to a peaceful pace.

it's raining,
cleansing the earth from human sins.

it's raining,
the roaring thunder summoning conscience,
scattering greed that stains the human soul.

i walk out to the pouring rain,
counting my steps on the dampen earth,
along with the rhythm of the distant thunder.

it's raining.

#footnote : i love it now when it rains. it's been a long while since i wrote crap like this. ah, only when emotional that feelings to write strikes. 
#NowPlaying : Yiruma - Kiss The Rain

Y U NO PARK SOMEWHERE ELSE

I should be studying. In fact I was looking for note from the same old blog I used to visit until .. well .. my finger just worked their way to open another new tab and logged into facebook page. Completely their fault ! Not mine. Right .. and guess what, one of my friend posted a YouTube link with the title ..

#Tesco Malaysia : Unreasonable Woman Who "Snatched" People's Parking

I usually don't watch this kind of videos because firstly, it's crap. Secondly, it's lame. But out of the blue I played it and thanks to the smoothness of my line, it played smoothly too. Here is the link to the video in case you might wanna watch. 

And HERE is the briefing on what actually happened in MY opinion. The driver auntie was waiting for a parking and somehow the yellow shirt auntie cut queue and parked the parking the driver auntie was waiting for. Then, obviously, this driver auntie must have said something to this yellow shirt auntie provoking her "fire". And so, they ended up shooting each other. Then obviously again, the whole process was being recorded and uploaded into YouTube for the whole wide world to know how Malaysian Chinese Women behave when they got cut while waiting for parking or rather when they got confronted "snatching" parking. 

But I somehow find some viewers comments are hilarious ..

Honestly, though I know that Police in Malaysia are very hardworking. On call 24/7. You seriously think they accept report on someone cutting queue for .. what ? Parking ? What should you say ? 

"I would like to lodge a report, sir. A Chinese lady in yellow(probably a bersih member) just 'snatched' my parking lot at Tesco."

Now that this commenter mentioned the yellow auntie's husband, I found it quite funny that at some point in the video, she told her kid to ask for "baba" which means the kid's father and also her husband. But in the end, the guard turned up. I heard wrongly or what ?!

Now now .. THAT hits a nerve. What does all this nonsense got anything to do with being Chinese and Malaysia ? Just because it happens IN Malaysia and both are Chinese women doesn't mean this is what we ARE ! Similar cases happens too among other races and this doesn't mean a specified race is stupid. And this video ALONE doesn't represent the WHOLE Malaysia ! HELL, of course it DOESN'T !

Well, I know many people out there are really racist. My parents, to be real honest, are racist sometimes. But this is very narrow minded for certain people to judge and call we, Chinese, as a stupid race. You know many stuff happen around in Malaysia involves a lot other races which can be really imbecilic. 

You see being racist is actually like a allergy reaction.

There must be something that triggers you and affects you directly causing your brain to transmit the racist cells. My father can be scolding something bad about any races while driving on the road, but he still can tag along with Malays co-workers and sometimes talk about how both Chinese and Malays are being unreasonable. 

You can call a Chinese stupid if he kicked you in the ass. You can call a Malay brainless if he stole your phone. You can call an Indian idiot if he raped your cat. Well, not the he will.

But when you're just a youtube user watching videos online and telling the world, Chinese in Malaysia are stupid, rude etc .. it's just plain .. idiotic. YES .. it's affecting me directly that's why i can call those commenter IDIOT ! 

And then this,

Malaysians HAS have turned into a bunch of illiterate cowboys. SO .. he/she is saying he/she is one of them since by the end of the comment, he/she stressed that he's/she's a Malaysian too. How very funny. Don't you know Malaysia is the only country that provides free education until you're 18 ? (It's considered free in government schools even though certain fees are compulsory to be paid besides, you don't have to buy textbooks in here, do YOU ?) 

You see, one thing I'm sure about Malaysians is that, they are very easily sidetracked. They lose their focus easily. Like some body bombing case, like some body off some building case and some auntie snatching parking case. I'm a good example. See, I'm easily sidetracked but I'm clearly NOT stupid. 

Actually, if my parking lot was to be taken unreasonably, I'd smile and wait until the driver gets in the mall. Then .. I'll take out my favorite 50 cents coin and show some creative work. If you know what I mean. Haha, just kidding. :D

Yours truly,

Mich

p/s : Actually, I wasn't feeling that all happy about something that came up lately in my life. So, no offense to anyone, i'm just venting my own frustration on something else. but i really got pissed about those comments. 

maybe i should really keep a safe distance which i should have done way earlier. hope it's not too late. yes, i failed at guarding my emotion again. sigh. till then. :'(

upside down

#emptied book rack 

My mom reckons i should start packing up stuff i don't usually use for the moving. If you've been reading my blog, i guess you might already have the rough idea that i'm moving soon. So yeah, the date has yet to be set because of the feng shui stuff and the renovation is about to start. Only minor renovations. The biggest is restoring the toilet in my brother's room. Lol. Coming weekends might be house cleaning activity for the family. 

Anyways, life has been so chaotic these days. Having some issues with my class teacher. I don't know how to place this, if i am to type out the whole story, it's like complaining. She's old, and she's a teacher. I guess, all i can do is to suck it up as usual. Life in her class won't be easy anymore. But what else i can do ? You know the funniest part ? I thought of quiting. But i love some other subject so much and my friends and teachers who are really nice. and i know the idea of quiting is extremely imbecilic ! 

I never shed a single tear when i was undergoing the surgery back in form 4, not until the nurses pushed me out and i saw my family and the thought that i survived it rushes out grateful tears. The doctors and nurses said i was brave. Lol. And for more than 10 years as a student, my parents never receive any calls complaining about me. She did not respect my parents, she was really rude. I don't see how am i ever gonna respect her anymore than just acknowledging her as a teacher. People always say that in school, teachers are our parents. And i've always respect them that way. But, universe, forgive me, not her. 

I don't want to begrudge her or anything, and i don't want to blame her. I take it as my fault. My inability to satisfy her demanding and unreasonable requests. Until one extend that she had to be rude to my parents, my bad. But honestly, she made the worst teacher in my former school an angel. 

This kind of drama took most of my attention off things. I didn't realize it's the end of the month and i almost forgot what's coming up next Saturday. It wasn't until i look up the calender that i realize 6 of August is next Saturday. Time flies.

I'm strong when love from my family and friends form the basic in me.

Mich.

Crossing out : MUET | unsettled

I'll have something on my Mich-list crossed out today.

 Mid-term MUET(Malaysian University English Test) is out. Everyone that asked what i've got congratulated me. But, behind the satisfied smile and thank you, i feel unsettled and a bit guilty. Unsettled, maybe because i no longer know what i really expected or what i really wanted. Guilty because, i don't know... it seems like, i could have done better. A little lack of enthusiasm with my result maybe. Disappointed ? A little bit. Relief ? a tiny teenie bit.

Actually, i expected worse, i thought i'm gonna end up getting Band 4. I even freaked out and cried. Yeah, look how i've changed since i entered form six. Is this me all along or what ? But i remember myself for being satisfy with whatever that i get. Average all the while and i was okay with it. I was.

And sometimes, i hope my parents can care slightly more about my academic achievement. I mean, they're always cool about it. They don't give a big damn if my result sucks like hell. Because they think, as long as i've tried, they're happy. In many ways, this give me a lot of freedom. It's more of an advantage then disadvantage. No pressure. But, it's funny. The girl who sat beside me told me how eager her mom was when she found out that this Saturday, parents will have to collect mid-year results at school. I knew straight away my mom won't be that interested.

And i'm afraid of my current self.

Agitated,

Mich

of being emo and regrets

on the way home, i was chatting away with a junior of mine. we talked about regrets .. ! specifically regretting knowing someone in our life. i told him, i have no regrets in that aspect. 

i somehow think that, everything happens for a certain reason and it only happens in one way. that pretty much explains why "if" doesn't really exist. that applies to people i meet in my life too. you meet one person at a time, and that's the only person you will meet in one way or the other. that person exist in your life for a certain reason, no matter how small that reason can be. hitherto, i never regretted knowing a person in my life. not really. but there are, of course, time when i would think, what if i never know this person ? that's just a thought. 

i don't know why, fatigue found me, through my feelings and also physically .. feeling so emo recently ! and guess what, i hate this feeling .. can you please take it away ? just this time ?

Love,

Mich

p/s : and yes, i never regretted knowing you, too.

untitled

i wanted to blog about Earth Hour like how i did about the Pay It Forward Cause but reckon i'll need to go all over the net to drive people in to read it and i'm really not in the mood, so..allow me to be selfish this time. all i want to do is..idk, rant about stuff that no one will understand ? So, to make your life easier, you can really just move your cursor to the corner of this window with the pretty X and click it without mercy !

the test is over..but, honestly, there's nothing worth feeling free about. basically, it's just the beginning of the real war cum nightmare cum disaster cum tragedy, you decide. this test, overall was okay except from my general knowledge, don't ask me what happen because i don't even know what the hell is wrong with myself.

#i suppose this explains a lot huh ?

seriously people, anyone kind enough to just take it away please !

the first time i have this feeling that having a beating feeling heart is not really that lucky ! aww...shucks, what about coloring up my life like i said earlier.. ?  

i really wish i could be a bit more persistent with my decisions and just cut every unwanted emotions and feelings out ! Ughhhh ! and honestly, i miss that empty feeling so dang much.

by the way, i don't remember when but i have received the letter from The National Transplant Center to confirm my pledging. I've been planning to blog about it since my 18th birthday but, i don't know why, it has been delayed hitherto. Will probably do it ASAP or when i got the mood. OTL since the test is over and the semester break is just around the corner, i'll slack for..say..two days ? heh..PLL ! <3 But honestly, i'm dying to go out for a break, emotionally or whatsoever..but.. I. WILL. SURVIVE. THIS. 

sigh, you just don't understand and you never will...

Lesson learnt 101 : no use hanging on some dangling branches, you'll fall one day or the other - only harder.

Mercilessly killed,

Mich

of endings and beginnings

i know. i should be in class now having MUET. but i'm not. Before every thought slip away from my "feeble" mind, i might as well just store it here, in my external memory blog.

23rd of February 2011...

Another ordinary Wednesday, another dull routine of life perhaps ? But to me, it's an ending. Ending to a certain period in life which i have no name to label it. My family and i woke up early today. We sent our Cambodian maid to the LCC terminal to board the plane that brings her back the her original home. On the way to the airport, to be honest, i hope for only one thing, she can stay here. The urge to hold on to that very moment never cease until we leave the airport. She has been living with us for two years, taking care of my grandmother and helping my mother out with the house chores. She has become a part of the family, a familiar pattern of life that includes her.

My grandmother passed away and now that the maid left, it's like everything is back to how it used to be before my grandmother came. But i don't need anyone to tell me to know and understand the fact that nothing will ever be the same ever again. Changes. Unavoidable. Move on. Life.

When the stroke took every single freedom away from my grandmother and she had to stay with my family and the family hired a Cambodian maid that will live in my house, i used to think that these two new members are some kind of intruders. But when time passes by, you fall into a familiar pattern and they blend in to that pattern. This is like one of the chapter of my life and the title of this chapter might be Grandmother and Maid. And the full stop to this very chapter indicates the beginning of a brand new chapter.

Every ending is also a beginning. 

#photo taken at Kajang High School

I caught this on my way to meet a junior of mine at the opposite block at KHS. Photography captures and freezes every moment you love. You relive that precise moment every time you look at it. And my hope at this precise moment is that my maid will reach her home safely and be shielded from miseries and sadness. 

Fate brought us together and i have a feeling that it will bring us together again. One day...

Till then, it's memories that keep feelings alive and to begin the all new chapter...

With love,

Mich

a blooming dream

i had a dream

a lopsided version of

the world i'm living in

what was accused wrong was right

colors were mere black and white 

with flowers blooming cheerfully

but it was pathetically just a dream.

#footnote : listening to Spirited Away's theme song : One Summer's Day. 

Nice dreams are always short.

Mich

of my tiring life and lacking of motivation

i feel so tired these days. or maybe these few days ! i've been sitting in front of the computer since Monday looking for Malacca attractions and calling up home-stay owners and bus drivers. It's not really that much of a work actually, but i really feel tired. And i still have a research and develop report that is reaching its deadline ! Gosh, why did i continue studying AGAIN ? i dont even have the mood and time for my studies ! OTL

I feel helpless or even useless, i don't feel that what i'm doing is sufficient, i keep wanting to do more and to do better. I feel restless, until everything is perfectly in order, i will still have that feeling haunting me !





i've been listening to this song over and over cause it cheers me up a lil bit ! Katy Perry's version is nicer, but Lea's not bad too ! =P
The world is turning in such a rapid pace that i doubt that i will be able to catch up with it. When i have the time to sit down and look around me, everything is so different from what i used to know. How many time in life that one has to bear in mind that things change and time flies like no body's business ? The upcoming test is  like less than two weeks away..but i still can't find my pressure button to turn the pressure on..! 
i just realize that, my world doesn't even follows the normal axis like the universe, i guess this is why i am weird.
I used to hate katy perry because of I kiss a Girl..But this song is really motivating in someways..credit to my friend, JJ !

#photo credited to : Andy Yeap (purposely take it from his blog with his watermark =P)

Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Brutally jotted down by,
Mich

it's raining

#photo taken: A rainy day at KHS 2010

it's raining outside
the serene noise of the pouring rain
a sweet rhythm that follows by the chill in the air
with the soft scribbling noise of ball pen against paper
i am sitting here, sending my mind away
stealing some time to torture myself
with a distant heart

it's raining outside
the comforting smell of the dampen earth
a delicate scent that stays temporarily in the air
with the low humming whispers of relaxed students
i am standing here, my senses taking full control
feelings clutching my erratic heart
with a mind that wanders off too far

it's raining outside
the breeze simply brushes by
leaving me shivering with a mind
thinking of you.


#footnote : was flipping through my journal or rather, notebook and found this left out "poem" dated back on 6 of January. 
It's first of February, two more sleeps away from Chinese New Year..this CNY break is so short ! I need more time to settle my feelings and my school stuff. Sigh. One word to describe my current feelings : L.O.S.T.

Love,
Mich

of the mourning rain

I was listening to The Band Perry's If I Die Young..and tears came rolling down..

The sight of the canopy being set out after turning the last corner to my house lot hits me without mercy. It's a week since my grandmother passed away and it never stop raining. 

The sharp knife of a short life..

Out of a sudden, i feel pointless..

All alone in this chilly weather.. it's so weird, Chinese New Year is just around the corner, it should be warm, but instead, it's cold..

So many feelings spinning around but no words matches exactly how i feel..This doesn't even feel right at all !

Mich.

p/s : what you're going through is like reflecting what i went through.. just another passer by, guard your heart well, sweet one !

of a loving mother and her heartless children

Okay, the title seems harsh, maybe lend me sometime to finish this post, then only you judge if the title is harsh ?

It has been quite some time since the stroke attacked my grandmother, she has been staying in my house ever since the second stroke took away her freedom. In the pass two years, her soul was trapped within her decaying body. And yes, her decaying body.

And ever since, her body is literally shrinking. She eats and drinks, but nothing that her body will absorb because dehydration is obvious. Not to forget that she's getting thinner day by day. 

In the beginning, her children - my uncles and aunties visit her quite frequently like, every once a week. And then once every two weeks and then once a month until recently once every few months. My grandfather, visited her thrice i guess since the day we brought her to our house ! Even they come, they'll just greet her and went out to the living room ! Not even willing to spend 5 minutes in the same room with her. But my grandmother never cease waiting for their once in a blue moon visits. 

Until recently, her condition is getting worse. 

After discussing with my father, my mother finally decided to call one of my aunt to gather everyone at my house. Do you know that, most Chinese, regardless of religion, believe that when one is meeting his or her end, he or she will wait no matter what it takes to see her love ones like children, husband, etc. ? 

So yeah, but you know what the irony part is ? My aunt replied my mother saying that she's busy..busy ! A simple word that we use so often has suddenly turn into a curse, a taboo, a swearing word to me. Your mother is about to leave any moment, and you tell me you're busy ?

When my sister got home, she posted a note at facebook along with my grandmother's photos urging them to come meet her. One of my cousin gloriously liked the note. 

The heart-breaking part for my sister and i ... our father. Our father who lives under the same roof. Since my grandmother came, he never really enter her room unless being insisted by my mother. Last night, my mother and my sister confronted him and pleaded him to step into her room and have a real good look at her. He said, he's afraid. 

My grandmother.. 

she might not be a good mother-in-law to my mother.

My grandmother...

she might not be a loving grandmother to my siblings and i

But..

Is the fact that she's a loyal wife deniable ?

Is the fact that she's a good mother deniable ?

Through stories told by my mother to my siblings and i, my grandmother had forgiven my grandfather despite his unfaithfulness once, twice or even thrice. And as far as I'm concerned, she devoted her life to her children. Working hard to sustain her family and to bring up her children. She has seven child, one of them passed away before i was born. 

But what did she get in return ? 

I'm busy ? I'm not feeling well ? or I'm afraid ?!

What has she done to deserve all these ?

The fact that these dramatic scenes happen right in my life sends shivers through me. The cruelty this developing world has brought. The heartlessness of humans that are made out of fleshes !

The reason i wrote this is not to condemn anyone or to humiliate any of my family members or my relatives. 

I want to make myself remember this. Every single thing that is happening. 

I was talking to my sister about whether will we end up doing what they are doing. I told my sister I want to be a human. A human with feelings. We promised not to let each other including my brother to end up being like what most of my father's siblings are doing. We are going to watch, listen and remember everything that is happening and tattoo it to our hearts. 

To you who are reading this, please, be a human too ! Please don't do this to your love ones. It's the greatest sin that ever existed. It's an unforgivable sin. No God, no religion can ever cleanse it. 

Please bring back some love and humanity back to mankind.

Love,

Mich.

God, please bring them to her. 

of loyal student and tiring school life

Monday..

Tired... !

School starts at 7.30 in the morning and ends at 1.40 in the afternoon. Student council meeting from 1.40 to 3.00 in the evening ! I had to wait at the bus stop for the bloody bus to come ! It came at 3.30 p.m. You know, travelling in the bus is very, very tiring. Half of my time and energy wasted in the bus. 

   Sitting at the bus stop, i started to hope-desperately- for a car that i could drive to school. My father's fault for provoking this thought ! T.T i'm so pathetic for hoping for a car at this age..*face-palm* A SMALL, TINY, PETITE CAR !!!!! argh...

   Upper six life here is really hectic. Especially when the school and my house is so far apart. I'm wondering why didn't i transfer to a nearer school where the nearer one offers history and econs in a package ? *smack head* And tomorrow.. i have no idea what time i will be at home. I have this don't-know-what-you-call-it practice which begins at 3.30p.m. And this Saturday is a schooling day replacing the CNY holidays ! *head-desk* 

#reward for being "loyal"

This is what i got for having a 100 percent attendance rate ! OTL it was less then 6 months of schooling days last year, so i can say it's easy to manage going to school every single day ! But this year? I doubt it. Heh..

Still a whole lot to go through before the end of the year ! 

Sigh. Exhausted.

Yours gloomily, 

Mich

footnote : despite the all the complains, i still enjoy being in form six. because after graduating from form 5, i realized how much i've missed during the schooling days..come to think of it, this is my last chance reliving my high school life, there's no form 7 ! (thanks god) 

and to those who like criticizing people who are taking form six..just shut your big, filthy mouth up ! You don't even trust yourself to enter form six, why talk so much ?