Tuesday, August 31, 2010

When the heart dies

The heart dies a slow death

Shedding each hope like leaves

Until one day there are none

No hopes

Nothing remains...

--Sayuri (Memoirs of a Geisha)

Wuthering Me

It’s been a long time since I posted. There’s a lot going on in my mind but naught that I could express with words. To be honest, I’ve been messing around with my own feelings lately and it sucks. I can sense that something is growing, some feelings started to grow and I’m trying my best to deny all of it. Like she said, it’s probably some temporary illusions! But why are all those symptoms coming back to me? You started wondering if “someone” sent you a message and you missed the alert. You wonder if “someone’s” coming to school today. You wonder if it’s okay to send “someone” a message. You even worry if you’ve annoyed “someone” when “someone” stops replying your message. And when you stay up till one in the morning just to text that “someone” and take “someone’s” words seriously. All these are pretty hilarious I know… But this is like angel and demon case… There’s this urge to turn around to look for “someone”, but there’s also this stupid voice screaming at you to stop. All these are strange yet familiar and I doubt if it will last long enough. What? Last long enough so that I’ll get myself hurt again and spend a few years getting over it?? I’m working to get rid of all these stupid things before my life started to revolve only around “someone” like what happened once. All I need is less time alone and more time with friends. Thanks God the holidays are just around the corner! Besides reading, I swear it’s still reading. Damn Facebook....

Guess what. I’m reading “the hate story” Edward Cullen called it, again. Yeah, Wuthering Heights. I need hate story now. Not love story!

Somehow, I like this book even though the best part might be Cathy being together with Hareton in the end. But this book is nice, or else why is it a classic? I really think Catherine died too early….

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Erratic makes it too late

Life’s erratic! Who can deny this? Really, you can never predict what will happen in the next second of your life. You might be the king of the world in this very moment and be the loser of the world next. My point here is, you never know. Like my friend, he told me he and his family will be homeless in 2 to 3 months time after receiving the confirmation letter of some kind. Another friend of mine, he found out that his brother blasted a public hall in his area once he got home from school. You just never know (Btw, his brother really did that).

All these things reminded me of what my Bahasa Melayu teacher said one day at class;

You’ll enjoy this year, but once you enter next year you’ll have a lot of problem whether family or school. When next year comes, and you’re considered grownups, your family will eventually share their problems with you. That’s when you learn!

She made me think. I guess because I’m the youngest here and back at Mummy’s’ so, I was never exposed to any financial problems or whatsoever they were facing. But I knew what happened, not the whole story though. Yet, I still knew. I felt helpless about what happened. I still feel that way now. I’m young, ignorant and there’s nothing I could do to help except from coming back here. But that never cross my mind back then. I still remember the way Mummy crying into the phone complaining to Alex about Daddy. And about how worried she’s with my future or rather with what might happen to me in the future without the financial support for my surgeries and all.

Recalling all those times, I’m touched. To be honest, who am I to her? Who am I to Daddy? But they helped so readily and so willingly. I don’t know how much time that is left for me to love them and to love my parents. I don’t know how much time that is left for me to proof them that I really love them. How much time I still have to be with them?

Will everything be too late for me?


Sunday, August 22, 2010

When my heart stops beating

There’s always this question in my mind

How long can I live?

How long is it till my heart stops beating?

Every morning when I open my eyes

It feels great that I’m still here

The gravity still holds me firmly

I love the feeling of my heartbeat against my palm

Miracle’s in my grasp

I love the feeling when my heart flutters excitedly

Miracle’s happening

I love the feeling when sadness tears my heart apart

Miracle’s still here

My fragile heart’s still beating

There are times when I sit down wondering

If one day, my heart refuse to beat

Even with the help of that little device

What would happen to me?

To the consciousness I’ve been holding on all these while

Will it just disappear?

Leaving nothing at all

For those who I love

And those who love me


Friday, August 20, 2010

Coffee doesn't HELP!


Haha...Honestly, the exam is still on. It's just that I'm sitting for Bahasa Malaysia tomorrow(last paper). So, here I am!

When I got back home yesterday and settled everything, I was pretty tired and I felt sleepy to the extreme! I can’t sleep cause’ I’m having History Paper 1 and 2 the next day and there’s a lot to read! I took out the stack of books and settled down at the dining hall…! People said coffee keeps you awake and I made myself a cup of extremely concentrated coffee, washed it down and begun reading. SCREW the coffee! It just doesn’t work with me! No wonder I detest it so freaking much! I’ll never take coffee ever again! Chocolate helps actually, but the problem is, my house ran out of chocolates!!! Urgh! I swear I’ll never take coffee ever again! I really don’t understand why Labelle likes it so much. Her record was 3 cups a day I guess… What’s so brilliant bout’ coffee?! >.<

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...