Untitled #5

I wonder if my brain could permit me to have a vacation away from it. It thinks too much .. on its own. 
And it often makes me detest myself, for so many things. 
Why did I chose to not believe your feelings at that time? Why did I trusted what someone else said and broke my promise? I should have asked you myself there and then. Not now.
If I had the courage to trust you, maybe I wouldn't be trapped in this situation. 
Things happen for a reason, and things happen only in one way because "If" do not really exist. If I could rewind time, I'd do whatever I can to undo those hurt and damages. 
But who am I fooling. It's getting dark and thing's are getting late. I'm more than 25 minutes too late.

.. If you'd just know what you mean to me. 
I'm aneh sorry even though it's too late to apologize. 
The overthinker,
Mich

Live.Laugh.Love - Hello 2013 !

Happy New Year, residents of the world !

Say hello to 2013. A whole new year in a whole new world. Hug yourselves as all of you survived 2012, no more end of the world craps.

Not kick starting this year in any special ways but instead, got stuck in hostel room and should be studying but is blogging instead. However, I believe things will get better gradually.

Just want to mark the first day of this brand new year with my resolutions ..

#2013Resolutions :

Live. Laugh. Love. - Be Happy !

Yes, just simple as that. I want to live my life, laugh my life and love my life. I don't want to let those small things bother me and get most of my attention. I just want to be happy, simply happy living my life, being me! The anchor of my past, let the 2012 apocalypse have it.

And .. well .. 

Save Money.

It is bad enough that I no longer earn an income and to top that off, I've been spending quite a lot of money this last year. So yes, though it might be hard, but I do believe everything is possible, wtf. I need to start saving money, not for anything but for the sake that I've spent so much already.

It's after all a brand NEW YEAR !

Happy New Year !

Much love, much gracias,

Mich.

When we argue, fuss and fight - Goodbye 2012.

Hey peeps.

I'm one of those people who are lazy to update my song lists and very much prefer songs from the late 80's till  the beginning of the millenium. I'm no longer one of those girls who can name you the latest top 40s or have all the latest songs downloaded-not that I was. Unless the said song is covered by Glee and it caught my attention.

Don't ask me how I've gotten so detached from current, mainstream, top 40 musics. Maybe because I rarely listen to the radio any more, or maybe music back then was rawer without the touch ups from softwares. I do listen to new songs, often from awesome covers which means they get pretty outdated once I'm hooked to it.

Anyway, my preference seems to time travels a lot.

Les Miserable is because I watched the movie and it was awesome ! It was as good as a real stage play and half the time, it felt like it is more appropriate to burst into applauses ! And so, I'm currently addicted to the songs ! *sings: Do you hear the people sing*

And yay. Finally being able to have Fleetwood Mac's Rumours, I'll have a playlist to accompany me to study for my finals. This week was supposed to be study week. But what I did instead was slacking and reading just a chapter a day for only one subject. I'm so dead.

2012 is about to end if you notice. I have a feeling like, finally it's ending. Finally. With all the fuss going about this year, it's finally coming to an end. I had a feeling like this year has been a real blur to me. Particularly after I entered uni. Right now, this very moment I'm questioning myself: Did my sister got married beginning of this year ? Did the breaking up part of my pathetic short romance happened this year ? Did my bestie left this year ? My grandma passed away last year or the year before last ? When did we move in to this new house ? Especially made blur with this little human being being my second nephew ..

Lol. The bad side of having your sister passing so many milestones in just a year. All seems so far away. Especially when there's a newborn in your house. His growth make things seem further behind, solidifying history itself. Did I graduated form six this year or last year ? 

2012 was happening but also not that happening. I spent my STPM aftermath holidays working as a purchasing clerk. And it might not be my ideal job, but it was a job I loved. I mean, how often can you find a job that you are happy to go to every morning, even Sunday ? Maybe it was the authority my "seniority" granted me, or maybe it was the trust they placed upon me, or even because my colleagues were fun most of the time. The office was always full of laughter. Always. But it seems that things has gradually changed after I left.

And then, I got into University as I've fervently wished for. Through this four months of university life, it was about assignments, meetings and a lot of getting used to. If I were to be honest to even myself, I have yet to find my liking in Uni. Except, maybe I've grow to love my room mate, and yeah .. debate, though I'm just a beginner, barely even there. And then I spent time grieving over those time that has passed. Missing those good old times, and I've got to learn to work pass this.

I don't know if you've ever tried this app from in Facebook. Not to be particularly religious or anything .. but in times it gives you enlightening. Don't mind if it sometime repeats though, I've never gotten any repeats myself. But yeah, what I'm trying t say is that, if you need motivation or simply just some inspiring quotes, this app is fun to use. 

Because whenever 'Everything happens for a reason' doesn't work, I'll make use of this app. 

Whenever there's ending, there's also beginning. If there's only one thing I wish for for this coming 2013, it'll be .. happiness. Not trying to sound gloomy here or whatsoever. But yeah, perhaps you get what I mean ? Yes, in this coming year, I just want to be happy. As happy as I'm allowed to. I don't mind the upsets now and then, but I just want to be happy. Who knows happiness can procrastinate ? 

And I suppose it has taken its own sweet sweet time. Don't you think it's time I go fetch it ?

I just want to stop wondering what upsets me and how to get around it. Because I reckon I should just focus on wanting to be happy. Really happy.

I know and forgive the blogger for providing you this lousy wrap up of my 2012 not to mention not much photos, and it's still early I know .. But please just bear with me okay as I'm in the hype of blogging. This hype is rare nowadays and I'm aware of the danger of it. Haha !

Anyway, and advance ..

Happy New Year, everyone ! I wish you an awesome year ahead too.

Good night and sleep tight,

Mich

P/s : Why the title you ask ? 

Heard it first in one HK drama. Then came across this yesterday in a record shop.

I'm putting those behind me.

Once upon a time.

Hi !

I'm wondering if you still remember what you were doing exactly a year ago.

SPM and STPM just started. But as far as my memory serves me, I remember STPM did not begin so early back then. It was just a year ago and it seems so far to me now. It has been a busy weekend for me since last Friday. It has indeed been a very busy period of time for me. As usual, never ending assignments and tests. We'll talk about that some post later. Not now.

I was chatting with my friend, and she brought up his birthday. Without realizing, it has been a year already. I'm not sure a year for what, but yeah, it's a year already since so much has happened I suppose.

One should always be the memory keeper, not being kept by memories. However, I'm always a prisoner of memories. They said don't live in your memories, funny that we're living to create memories. Ironic ? It seems fun to me when you can predict how a person will react, and you know exactly what to say or do to provoke them. I'm not trying to annoy anyone, perhaps, it's the egoistic self that craves to proof that you know someone well.

The thing is, I don't know myself well enough to say or acknowledge that I know another person well. It's too subjective to whether you know a person well or not. I've always know how stubborn I am. But I always manage to surprise myself that my stubbornness is always reaching an all new level again .. and again. Because I dwell on things. And also because things that I dwell on are not just things that I should let go, but also things that I don't have the rights to dwell on. But I just do. And .. part of me doubt that it's about self control.

If I were to write myself a letter, I'd tell myself; Give yourself a break.

And this is what I'll do. Breaking away from all those haunting memories, breaking away from the cuffs of memories. If I'm to help anyone, I, myself is the first person in need of help. I need to pick up the remaining pieces of myself. Shattered not by anyone or anything, but myself. Because honestly, if you ask me. I'm really amazing. Amazing that I'm highly capable of discolouring my own life.

So, don't blame me on what happened. I was a broken piece of parcel forced into your hands. All I did was replacing that parcel with time, pain was necessary. I don't care you're doing well or not, because you have all the time you need to be that person you should without a burden of putting back the broken parcel together.

Love,

Mich

p/s: Happy birthday, a few days in advance.

it's fun because we are young

#truestory

So it's been a couple of years days since I posted something. Please pardon your lazy and extremely busy blogger. No, seriously, I AM busy.

So uni life has officially started right after that one week of orientation. Truth be told, I still haven't figure out the fun part of uni life. Maybe it's because my time table is shitty, or maybe it's because the first assignment I have to deal with is pretty shitty too.

Don't get me wrong, living in an entirely new environment and meeting new friends is totally fun, like totally. But I guess I still haven't fully and completely adapt my self to this new life, I really miss home, despite it's just 30 minutes drive away, wtf.

#orientation week

New friends, part of them. And I'm honourably glad that I'm assigned to a room mate .. Because some of my coursemates have got no room mate or room mate happens to be an unrelated senior. And guess what ..

#room mate

My room mate was born on the exact same date with me ! Lol, awesome yet creepy. One word : Faith.

Anyway, I was browsing through facebook via my phone and came across this article that says that the girl who underwent the heart changing surgery five years ago passed away.

It happened 5 years ago and the news that she survived the surgery was spread nationwide. The article claimed that she complained to her father that she feel sick earlier this morning at 8 a.m. Her father immediately sent her to hospital but she still passed away. She lived for 19 years. 

I guess it hits close home. I was shocked one minute and the next, I was in tears. It is impossible to ignore the fact that miracle happened to her, but it did not last. Who knows .. I might probably face the same faith too. 

If this is a wake up call, then it's telling me to cherish whatever I'm having because .. you never know when the miracle that happened to you is decided to be taken away. But she is one brave girl. May her soul rest in peace.

This must be a super shitty week. 

Till then

Mich.

one step at a time

I must say, what a week. 

I've finally registered for my university, settled in and went through that one week of orientation. No, let me correct that, one week of MADNESS.

I've always knew university orientation is crazy, but I didn't know it'd be mad. It's not that awful, at least no humiliating pranks. 

This is where I'll be living for a year, or maybe even more. Well, maybe.

Orientation was madness for me because those facilitators in charge won't let us off till at least past one in the morning and we have to gather up at 5.30 in the morning. For your information, letting us off at one is by far the earliest. For the first couple of days, it's 2.30 or maybe 2.45. We were not given enough time to bath during the day and everything was a rush. The first morning, my room mate and I woke up at 4.15 just to bath in icy cold water. It's almost impossible to stay clean throughout the orientation because we wore the same shirt for a couple of times.

Apart from that, everything was considerably fun. It happens that it's a tradition for newbies of each college in the campus to do cheers in the grand hall during this week. It's the only time when you can make so much noise in the grand hall. UPM has got a total of 17 colleges and you can imagine what an uproar when 17 colleges tackling each other with noisy cheers. It was really awesome in the grand hall when all the college residents unite and cheer loudly in unison. Sadly, my college was too passive. We didn't manage to perform how our seniors expected us to perform.

There was this small seminar held in my college's hall by the counselling staffs in UPM. The counsellor gave us a small piece of paper and told us to write a speech on each side of the paper. One speech to self and one speech to your love ones. Then she asked people who volunteered to read it out loud. And that was when I realized, how lucky I really am. There's a story behind everyone. And I'm glad my story is filled with joy and also tears balancing with each other, or maybe struggling to maintain a balance. I've a better way of living than so many other people out there. It made me self conscious.

  My favourite part of this orientation must be the Bukit Expo in the university. Facilitators lead us there to jog in the morning and I was stunned by it's view. It was cool and misty early in the morning and very green. I'm so glad it's only walking distance from my college. When everyone was jogging, I was walking slowly. I wanted to join them, to be the part of their rhythmic footsteps and feel my muscles pull and flexes. I'd like to feel the wind on my face. But I had to surrender to myself.

It occurs to me that this 3 and a half year time might as well be the last time to enjoy and UPM has so much to offer. I've always been carefree about my studies. Just slightly, very slightly above the average level then it's okay for me alreadt. But then here I am, in UPM. And I finally get to do what I like. I start to crave for more. All these while, I never gave much thought because, i doubt I'm highly result oriented kind of person mainly because my parents don't really mind. They don't push me hard. And also because I doubt I can do it. I've never been the smart kid in school nor the hardworking kid.

But now, I'm aiming to achieve my goal. No one told me I can't. I've always been the one who think that I can't. I still do doubt myself. But with determination and motivated, I'm driven to tell myself to go and work for it. You won't be 101% that you will achieve what you want, but you can always try 201 times.

Creating victory. All I got to do is just learn how to stick to this determination.

I've never really slept much this week. So, I'll go sleep now !

When I have the chance I'll definitely shoot some photo of the awesome park in my uni :)

Till then.

Love,

Mich

Edge of Glory

Hi.

It's already the first day of September, the end of the first day of September. But this pathetic blogger has to somehow summarize what's she's been up to, mainly in August.

August lied quietly between the borderline of eventful and dull. When August started, I went around to get documents certified and ran bank errands. And then, like my previous post, Fene gave birth to a healthy dragon baby. Ever since then, my mom stayed over at her house to aid her with the traditional Chinese confinement. I spent most of my August alone at home.

To be honest, it was really depressing at first. Washing clothes, sweeping and moping around. No one to talk to, just hog the internet. No mom shuffling here and there. Just me, the internet and the radio. I'll wake up a bit late than necessary so the day ends faster. But soon enough, I got used to it. 

I was secretly glad that there was this one week of Hari Raya holiday for my father. I can't really recall what I did with him, but I was glad I didn't have to stay at home alone. Moms are seriously heroes. They can quietly do all these chores waiting for their husband and children to come back at night. Anyway, Labelle and mummy accompanied me to shop for some formal attires. Was so glad that I can flex my legs' muscles ! The sales was still on and I spent quite a lot that day given that I 'accidentally' splurged when I came to this boutique at Shop-a-lot where Labelle works at. She has got discounts for all the stuff there .. I just can't help it !!! On the same day, my father brought me to KLCC bookfest after I've been nagging him for a few days :D 

Then, there's the packing. 

Initially, I wanted to bring this luggage and another storage box for my miscellaneous stuff. But then, after considering that I'm only born with two hands, I packed again and managed to squeeze everything into the luggage. 

I'll be at UPM tomorrow to start my yet another journey of education. I thought I'd feel excited. I'm glad I had the whole August to myself after 6 months of working. I got my stuff settled and hopefully rested. I seriously don't know how those who spent 8 months at home doing nothing but hogging the computer or just stone all day long can get back into the real world after so long. 

Because I'm shying away from the idea of getting into an all new environment tomorrow after just spending one month at home.

All right, time's up. Wish me luck !

Restless,

Mich.

Life's a miracle

I've been slacking a lot lately. I didn't even blog about my birthday ! Haha ! And I should have blog about a restaurant, that too I left it aside. So yeah, I've been quite busy and lazy at the same time. Pardon me please. 

But readers, this is what makes me want to blog so much that I'm currently ignoring my fatigue soul that is currently urging me to just go to bed ..

My sister has just delivered her baby this morning !!

YESSS. If you remember a blog post about my sister getting married, this is the sequel to it. We've waited for his arrival so long and he finally picked today to come out of his mom's womb !

12 August 2012

Thank god that the labour did not took long like my elder sister's did when she was delivering Nicholas. The whole process seemed okay, not much pain to be endured. And she went through it bravely. So proud of her !

And the baby has got big eyes like my sister's ! Just so adorable.

It's such a miracle that just yesterday, he was still inside my sister's womb kicking, and today .. he's out. A tiny little being, not even 24 hours old. With a small fluttering heart beating inside him. How can life not be a miracle ? It must have felt like a magical journey. And I envy her. Not only my sister, but those who are brave enough to bear our next generation, enduring the pain. Well, exceptions; teen, immature pregnancy.

These little lives, they need to arrive in a secured family. A promising childhood and growing environment. Definitely not some irresponsible teenagers getting knock up. 

I highly doubt that I'll have the chance to go through this magical journey my sisters had went through. But today, I'm grateful that everything went smoothly. 

Boi boi ! You're such a gift to us ! :)

Fene, so proud of you ! =) You ought to know that you're awesome.

Becoming an aunt again,

Mich

Directly proportional

If I hate you is directly proportional to I miss you.


I tried. But it never work because you keep running back. Too stubborn to be uprooted from my mind.

And .. some stuff are just not yours to begin with.

Mich, without the 'ie'.

Unpretty

Do you ever for once, just once, appreciate the fact that you're having me as who I am ? Appreciate the fact that I'm just an average, maybe slightly abnormal girl who don't do drugs or do any other stupid stuff besides just being a book freak or an emotional freak ?

At times,  I have my own emotions, I'm only human. I sulk, I throw tantrums. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I have, you know. I just hope, maybe for a split second that you can somehow really really really and sincerely put my thoughts and feelings into consideration and not just complain that I'm ungrateful. Just maybe .. you know .. once ? I don't know what to do to make you feel proud of having me when nothing I do seems to please you .. 

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too. I was told that I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you ?

My outsides are cool

My insides are blue

Everytime I think I'm through

It's because of you

I've tried different ways

But it's all the same

At the end of the day

I have myself to blame

I'm just trippin'

Mich.

Just this once, don't talk to me about this post, at all.

Untitled #4

Changing is good. Knowing you've changed is even better. Unless you've changed not for the better but worse. There's this weird feeling that surges in my mind. 

I've changed. 

I can't specify what about me has change, but I know there's certainly something about me is different. I can feel it .. I know this sound a tad bit stupid since everything's changing all the time and we're always oblivious to changes most of the time. But this time, it's different. 

I've a feeling that the way I feel things is different now. It can be just a temporary thing or .. I don't know .. permanent ? 

How does it feel to have this sudden gush of adrenaline that quickens your heartbeat, rushing blood to your cheeks. I miss my old self. The girl who believed in happily ever after stories. I still do believe, just that the stories stop revolving around me .. it's a scene where you watch from far. A glimpse into someone else's life.  The first time you fall, it was okay .. all you had to do is gather up yourself and stand even taller. But when it's the second time you fall, it's not okay .. you pick yourself up and you hold tight to yourself. Your mind takes over your heart. 

I think I've lost something .. I don't know if it will ever come back ! I don't know if I want it back. 

Yours truly,

Michelle.

The one who stays.

I've been reading The Time Traveler's Wife again. If I'm asked to choose my favorite couple from different novels, it'd be Clare Abshire and Henry DeTamble. I don't know why but I just find this story amazingly romantic and yet heart clenching. It's somehow magical too. I guess it's very my type of story.

Clare meets Henry for the first time when she was six and Henry, thirty-eight in 1977. Henry meets Clare for the first time in 1991 when he was twenty eight and Clare was twenty. I know it sounds pretty absurd. But ever since I first read this book, I fell in love with this couple. She knew her husband for her whole life because Henry's older self time travels back to her childhood. And I love the fact that when she finally meets him in here and now when he was twenty eight and she was twenty .. he turns out to be a selfish asshole and not the man she thought she knew. She never gave up and watches him slowly turn into the man she has been loving for all her life. It's just .. breathtakingly beautiful.

Alright, by now you'd be thinking to yourself, that sucks .. it's creepy. That's you, not me .. I mean .. you have to really read this book to understand what it says. I love how the author tries to instill her concept of how things happen in one way and only once.

It's sad being the one that always stays behind and waits. She asks ; Why is love intensified by absence ? 

Anyway, I completely forgot that I've asked my friends out today and they ended up waited for me outside my workplace and then dragged me out. What an epic fail I had there. Lol. Almost cashless and in a beyond -imaginable-not-dressed-up state. Still, I had fun with the two of them. It's always nice to hang out with them.

We've been through the topic of what kind of guys we want. And I told them opposite attracts. Like always, the topic somehow steers to acceptable age gap and smartness. I don't need to say much about the age gap.  If you're a stalker, you know enough. But smartness, they both agreed that they'd want someone smarter. Who wouldn't ? But this smartness thing, I think it's kind of subjective. Lol, because for me, as long as he can do stuff that I can't, he's smart.

IF I have a boyfriend, a typical Saturday'd be with him, perhaps loiter around in a shopping mall or catch a movie or return home to cuddle up in a couch while watching my chick flicks or his favorite movie and I can fall asleep like a pig. For now, a typical Saturday night will be returning home after hanging out with my girls, take a hot shower, change into pajamas, some good music and a good book in hand or a good movie.

Doesn't take much to realize how much of a hopelessly boring human being on Earth I am huh ? Lol. Hopeless romantic too. 

This is so like my favorite quote from Need You Now ; Guess I rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

Not much of an update but just to let you know the blogger is not dead yet. :P Anyway, after several attempts on keeping a diary, I'm trying again. So far so good, so yeah .. !

Love,

Mich.

I'm not okay.

How very often when you need to put up a face and let the world thinks that you're okay. Or maybe even when you're not .. make the world thinks that you're gonna be okay ..

Sometimes in life, you'd realize that you have no rights in certain things just because .. you put up a good show. It's like a cycle, people thinks that you're okay and so, you put a smile on that reluctant face of yours. People see you smiling, joke around and laugh jovially, they think you're okay. It goes on and on and on. You wanted to vent your frustrations, your confusions, your anger and your sadness .. you want to talk about it. But .. you don't know where to start from. And you say you're okay.

Saying okay is much easier than telling how you're really feeling. Okay, one word, two syllabus. Explaining your feelings, spilling your thoughts ? That is going through certain feelings again. It's okay if it's something happy. Who would mind feeling that euphoria more than just once ? If it's the opposite ? Triggers are everywhere, you don't need to relive that moment by spilling it out. Every simple thing can throw you back in time to go through some unwanted feelings again.

Some words, some song, some action .. and in my case, imaginary perfume smell. Until you realize you're here and now, it's too late to stop those memories come washing down at you. I'm not insomniac, but I'm prone to bad dreams. I'd go to sleep hoping when I wake up, it's a brand new morning, not the middle of the night with the remnants of a bad dream haunting me.

Since most if not all these feelings are .. expressed vaguely here, so yeah .. I don't have to say I'm okay here. At least, not here.

I remember someone said ; What you fail to let go of is not the feelings, it's those memories that you fear the future won't bring you anymore.

Life is an endless cycle, what goes around comes around. It's not gonna end. Maybe it's not about escaping the endless cycle but seeing life as a merry-go-round instead of a cycle of misery.

Like carousels in merry-go-rounds, there's always up and downs in life. Going around with the ups and downs is always better than stopping, frozen in time.

11.36 p.m.

Love,

Michelle.

Success is a journey, not a destination

12:28 a.m.

I ought to be sleeping. But I just had supper with my friends and is kind of full. Two or three more days before the release of STPM result. As much as I'm not sure what I will get and what course I really want and eligible for, I still have options to choose from. A couple of narrowed down choices.

Success is a journey, not a destination.

That was the quote we used to motivate ourselves back in Form Six. Previous post was 7 random facts about me. You know what .. I missed out one thing about myself. I may look confident about myself. Like I've always know what to do with my future and all .. but deep down inside, I'm just like most of my friends. The most fretted question ? Where to next ? I know what I like. But I doubt I'm good at what I like ..

As much as I'm excited to move on to the next stage of my life- University, trust me .. it scares the shit out of me. Getting my result itself is scary enough. It's all set. Questions keep popping out in my mind. What if I fail it ? What if I don't get accepted into any university at all. What are my other options. I've searched the web frantically for scholarships and financial aids. Sad but true, I know where my limits are. I've been average in almost everything. I'm not naive enough to convince myself into thinking that .. I'll  meet the requirement for those scholarships.

Pessimistic ? No. I don't call it pessimistic, it's realistic. I think this might be my last bet, a huge one. If I lose this bet .. I think, this is it. Readers, will you keep me in your prayers, doesn't matter what religion you are .. that I get something I want this coming Wednesday ? I promise in return, a victorious and glorious smile. Lol.

And to those who are taking their result this coming Wednesday too, best of luck. Embrace every possible outcome courageously.

Love,

Michelle.

p/s : We're in on a long journey. Never give up.

no way out, yet

Haven't got the time to update my blog. It's so dead. 

I've been wanting to write something for a long time. But just can't seem to find the right time or the right mood. So much to say, so little words to express. Whenever I wanted to come up here and write something, my mind just go blank and I just stare at the screen before I finally close it and do something else. If I've said I hate waiting for my result once, I've said it a million, zillion times. It sucks. It just can't come fast enough. Even though getting my result now doesn't mean anything since university intake is like six more months away, give or take. 

But I guess knowing my result puts me in a clearer perspective. I might be able to know if I have a higher chance in getting into university or otherwise. I can have a rough idea about what my immediate future will be like. Now.. it's like I just got stuck here, doing nothing. You know the feeling like .. you're going on a vacation and you're just hours or minute away before setting off to your adventure ? That jumpy feeling that you just wanna get a move on ? That's exactly what I'm feeling. Can you imagine how frustrated I am ? 

I just wanna do something. 

Do something as in .. something with my life. Working is doing something, I know. But it's like doing something for someone else while maybe learning a thing or two. Or maybe .. I just don't want to look back a couple of years later realizing that I've waste half of my lifetime leading a meaningless life. 

Funny ain't I ? I complained about being bored when I've got nothing to do except stay at home and lay around doing nothing. I complain about being bored and leading a meaningless life when I finally found a job. Maybe I'm one of those ignorant teenagers that doesn't even know what they want to do with their life. But .. I thought I've always know what I wanted to do with my life. I thought. And .. I'm at the brink of ending my life as a teen. 

I'm turning twenty this August. To most of you, you might think .. 20 .. that's so young .. your life only just about to begin. So young, so raw. But really ? How many ten years of life do you think I've still got. The next thing I know, I'd be turning 30. I feel old. In so many ways .. I feel old. Some of my friends even think I'm crazy for wanting to get married before 25. Lol. But now .. the more I think of it .. the further it feels like from it. 25 ... five years from now. That's impossible. 

It's funny how you used to think that you know how you want your life to be. But as you grow older and things around you change .. life slaps you hard in the face and you doubt if you can ever live up to your own expectations. 

But as hard as life appears to be, there's no point begrudging the unknown. Life is bitter .. most of the time. If you ask me, I think human spend more time fussing over a problem than being grateful and happy about achievements.

 Trust me, that glorious moment of success is always shorter than that depressing moment of failure.

Am I too old to relate badly to this song ?

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get - Forrest Gump

Going to bed with a mindful of thoughts,

Mich

Already gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone.                                                                                                                                                                                                      -Already gone, Kelly Clarkson

Crossing out : MUET | unsettled

I'll have something on my Mich-list crossed out today.

 Mid-term MUET(Malaysian University English Test) is out. Everyone that asked what i've got congratulated me. But, behind the satisfied smile and thank you, i feel unsettled and a bit guilty. Unsettled, maybe because i no longer know what i really expected or what i really wanted. Guilty because, i don't know... it seems like, i could have done better. A little lack of enthusiasm with my result maybe. Disappointed ? A little bit. Relief ? a tiny teenie bit.

Actually, i expected worse, i thought i'm gonna end up getting Band 4. I even freaked out and cried. Yeah, look how i've changed since i entered form six. Is this me all along or what ? But i remember myself for being satisfy with whatever that i get. Average all the while and i was okay with it. I was.

And sometimes, i hope my parents can care slightly more about my academic achievement. I mean, they're always cool about it. They don't give a big damn if my result sucks like hell. Because they think, as long as i've tried, they're happy. In many ways, this give me a lot of freedom. It's more of an advantage then disadvantage. No pressure. But, it's funny. The girl who sat beside me told me how eager her mom was when she found out that this Saturday, parents will have to collect mid-year results at school. I knew straight away my mom won't be that interested.

And i'm afraid of my current self.

Agitated,

Mich

parody of life.

there are sayings that goes : things happen in and only in one way. it doesn't matter what options or choices you have because despite the numerous possible outcomes only one will happen in the end. still, decision makes up most of our life. in fact, our life revolves around decisions.

every single decision that we've made brought us to where we are. i guess that's how we grow. do you remember when you were young (or you probably still are now) and were trying to find your style and your way ?

one afternoon, i was waiting for bus in front of my school. it was quite late and all my friends were by then gone home. there was this junior of mine that is form three i guess, but he's convincing enough to be form one. he was wearing a mushroom hairstyle. i think he had gotten bored or whatsoever, i don't know, and he took out a rubber band and a comb. he tied up a small pony tail at the back of his head. an indian guy was curious enough to ask him why he did that and said he looked weird. the young man simply said, i want to be special and i want to look special, that's my style. the indian guy just smiled.

he was trying to create a unique style of himself, to create an identity that belongs to him. isn't that exactly what we have once been doing too ? but most of the time, instead of finding our style, we're actually following a culture that the society has long created. like following the trend or doing something you think that it's different from others. but the truth is, that's exactly what everyone else is doing, too.

When i was a kid, i've always wanted to be a grown-up because :
- i can wear dresses, stilettos
- i can make up and style my hair
- i can start working because everyone was asking about my ambition
- i can go wherever i want
- i don't have any curfews or possibilities of being grounded.

But, as time passes by, i realize :
- i stop reading comics or watching cartoons but newspaper and novels
- i don't cook with my toys in the living room but starts cooking in the kitchen
- i stop craving after the latest barbie but branded stuff
- i can get married if i want to.

Sadly, the biggest realization is, being a grown-up, one :
- needs to be matured
- needs to be professional
- needs to be responsible
- needs to earn loads of money
- needs to make all sorts of decisions
- needs to know who you're messing around with
and a lot more "needs" to be aware of.

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do something, but you're bound to do something else."
-- Morrie Schwartz

Love,
Mich

of shattering and picking up the pieces

I was told that I'm more approachable and so, when something goes wrong, people come complaining or lecturing me instead of the one who is being responsible about what went wrong. Well, come to think of it .. am i ? Maybe i am more vulnerable then i have ever thought of.

There is always someone who will knock on your door, turn around and just leave. It's easy, for those who leave, they got nothing to lose. But upon knocking on your door, it leaves your heart shattered into pieces and you'll have to pick them up and mend them back together, always hurting yourself in the process. Oh, yeah .. you can only pick up the shattered pieces, the mending part .. you will need to make an appointment with time.

I came to realize that apart from being emotionally erratic, I tend to believe what people say way too easily too. In certain ways, i trust the world too much, only certain ways ! And i guess i need to admit that i'm defenseless against words that are saturated with glucoses, sucroses and .. whatsoever. Deceiving words and people, too.

I have yet to learn the art of compromising .. of letting go things that doesn't really belong to me .. of getting a good control over my emotion .. or going head over heels into something or someone. I think i need to learn when to trust my guts and when not to too. I don't really remember when, but i was dreaming away and this thought came to me.

Aren't i suppose to be contented with the fact that .. my heart, my fragile little heart is still beating ? My brain(not much of a use though .. lol) is still functioning as normal as it should. My lungs are still inhaling and exhaling. Everyone that love me and i love is still out there some where - alive !This earth is still rotating, time is still passing and .. i'm still here..! Isn't it here and now that matters the most ? Who cares about what happened ? Who even wanna give a damn about those who already left your life willingly without even a second glance ?

I don't. And don't you dare come knocking at my door without the slightest intention of putting me back together.

Mich

p/s : Do bear in mind that hearts are not made of flesh but merely fragile glasses that break upon the slightest mistake.

of thorns and thoughts

#cactus

Sometimes, what seems to be harmless harms you the most ..

I had my MUET speaking on Monday. The previous night was rather restless, with tosses and turnings ! To be exact, i wasn't really nervous. It was just that my mind refused to go into rest mode. My group members and I did some last minute practice right before the test, i think group discussion was fun.

The other day, i was reading the March's edition of National Geographic magazine. I came across with the world population issue. It was said that the earth's population will reach 7 billion people in this year. 7 billion. 7,000,000,000 ! 9 zeros. If you're to count to 7 billion without losing your place, it would take more than two centuries. 

This simple yet very true fact fascinated me. I counted how long 7 billion seconds take. Approximately 221 years. Who can live up to 7 billion seconds ? Things around us, if we pay close attention, it's very fascinating. Like the photo i took above. 

I saw this cactus during one of the shopping trip with my mother at a near by hypermarket. The thorns immediately deter anyone to touch it. But if you look closely at the thorns. They are not sharp, i touched them, stroked them and they remind me of furry things. Safe. But the very much favored rose ? Bites you when you think its beautiful and attracting .. mercilessly ! I guess it hurts more than anything because you didn't expect it coming. 

Torn,

Mich

p/s : in case my blog is giving out overloading of negative auras, neutralize it with the Joker of the Month =p