Tuesday, February 28, 2012

no way out, yet

Haven't got the time to update my blog. It's so dead. 

I've been wanting to write something for a long time. But just can't seem to find the right time or the right mood. So much to say, so little words to express. Whenever I wanted to come up here and write something, my mind just go blank and I just stare at the screen before I finally close it and do something else. If I've said I hate waiting for my result once, I've said it a million, zillion times. It sucks. It just can't come fast enough. Even though getting my result now doesn't mean anything since university intake is like six more months away, give or take. 

But I guess knowing my result puts me in a clearer perspective. I might be able to know if I have a higher chance in getting into university or otherwise. I can have a rough idea about what my immediate future will be like. Now.. it's like I just got stuck here, doing nothing. You know the feeling like .. you're going on a vacation and you're just hours or minute away before setting off to your adventure ? That jumpy feeling that you just wanna get a move on ? That's exactly what I'm feeling. Can you imagine how frustrated I am ? 

I just wanna do something. 

Do something as in .. something with my life. Working is doing something, I know. But it's like doing something for someone else while maybe learning a thing or two. Or maybe .. I just don't want to look back a couple of years later realizing that I've waste half of my lifetime leading a meaningless life. 

Funny ain't I ? I complained about being bored when I've got nothing to do except stay at home and lay around doing nothing. I complain about being bored and leading a meaningless life when I finally found a job. Maybe I'm one of those ignorant teenagers that doesn't even know what they want to do with their life. But .. I thought I've always know what I wanted to do with my life. I thought. And .. I'm at the brink of ending my life as a teen. 

I'm turning twenty this August. To most of you, you might think .. 20 .. that's so young .. your life only just about to begin. So young, so raw. But really ? How many ten years of life do you think I've still got. The next thing I know, I'd be turning 30. I feel old. In so many ways .. I feel old. Some of my friends even think I'm crazy for wanting to get married before 25. Lol. But now .. the more I think of it .. the further it feels like from it. 25 ... five years from now. That's impossible. 

It's funny how you used to think that you know how you want your life to be. But as you grow older and things around you change .. life slaps you hard in the face and you doubt if you can ever live up to your own expectations. 

But as hard as life appears to be, there's no point begrudging the unknown. Life is bitter .. most of the time. If you ask me, I think human spend more time fussing over a problem than being grateful and happy about achievements.

 Trust me, that glorious moment of success is always shorter than that depressing moment of failure.

Am I too old to relate badly to this song ?

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get - Forrest Gump
Going to bed with a mindful of thoughts,


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